Squirrel Info
Long seen as the little darlings of backyard
mayhem, squirrels, and indeed the entire genus sciurus
have come under fire in recent years for their
interference in human affairs. This section of
SquirrelJumper.Com provides you, the good
consumer, with the facts surrounding the most
socially acceptable member of the order rodentia.
We at SquirrelJumper will not tell you squirrels
are sinners, but we will surely not depict them
as saints. As you read the discriptions of what
we feel are typical squirrel personalities, ask
yourself whether squirrel antics are worhty of
praise or pitty.
By far the most common archetype found on a
jump, and indeed the most requested Extraction,
is that of The Staredown. He watches you while
you work in the yard. He peeks his little beady
eyes out from his den to observe you as you play
with your children. He casually glances out of
the trees into your second floor bathroom window
as you shower. The Staredown doesn't seem to be
physically bothersome to birds or domesticated
animals or lawn furniture for that matter, but
everyone just feels a tad uneasy when he's
around.
The Staredown offers unique challenges for the
Jumping and Extraction teams. Constantly aware of
his surroundings, The Staredown is not a squirrel
that can be jumped on just stealth or speed
alone. Instead, a unique blend of visual
distraction, casual audacity, and pure gumption
is required of the Jumpers.
What starts out as a lesson in kindness toward
one of God's creatures, seven times out of ten
will end up in an entire neighborhood filled with
Gluttons. The scenario is thus: a young family
with a three year-old daughter moves into that
small, Spanish-style stucco with red tile roof
just down the street. You know the one. With only
one real bedroom, it's the perfect first-time
house. As first-time home-owners, the family is
absolutely in love with every aspect of their
domicile. The drafty rooms are discribed as
"airy." The small kitchen is
"cozy." And of course the over-grown
yard is "our little slice of nature."
So when this family notices their little angel
tossing pebbles to the birds and squirrels, Dad
naturally takes it upon himself to teach his
offspring the value of treating nature with
respect. Fountains are installed. Bird feeders
erected. Bowls of nuts and sunflower seeds left
out. And a pair of binoculars is always within
arm's reach.
As time goes on, the family grows. Little Susy
is succeeded by John-John, and Timmy, and Betsy.
Mom and Dad realize it is time to move on;
perhaps a little further out from the center of
town where they can buy a larger house with an
attached garage. But the family was not the only
resident to have grown. The squirrels that visit
have become fat and sassy. They know where to get
a free lunch, dinner, and midnight snack. They've
told all their little squirrel buddies, and now
the entire block can be described as nothing less
than infested.
At this point, when SquirrelJumper.Com is
called in for a Level 3 Extration, the Jumping is
fairly routine. Lazy and slow, with weak
cardiovasculars, The Gluttons put up little
resistance. Our Jumpers often complain about a
Glutton Infestation. Not only must they work long
hours, but there is no real challenge to the
Jump, with the exception of keeping the target
from going coronary. We aren't in the business of
killing squirrels. Please, do not let this happen
to your neighborhood.
Is there anything more pitiful than a drunk
squirrel? When the pressures of City Living get
to the bushy tails, they head toward drink like
the rest of us.
The typical Drunk Jump consists of the Jumper
turning into the Jumpee, with the squirrel
usually passing out in a pool of its own vomit.
Not pretty. Not Sanitary. Not fun. But all part
of the job. Call us. We won't charge for the dry
cleaning of our uniforms.
It's a common sight around our fair nation's
parks: lonely elderly feeding pigeons and
squirrels in order to bring some source of
meaning to their otherwise dreary lives. With not
enough consistant free food to become Gluttons,
the scrounges must instead rely on their wits and
tree-smarts to become true Beggars. Knocking over
garbage cans, raiding bird feeders, Beggars are
the vagrants of the squirrel world. Liked by
none, detested by all, the Beggar will attempt to
garnish a meal from anyone. SquirrelJumper once
received a call from Sax 5th Avenue for an
emergncy Extraction. It seems a Beggar was
attempting to convince a front-window manequin
that it was worthy of a handout!
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